Well. It happened. Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could watch the Cats trailer, they didn’t stop to think if they should watch the Cats trailer.
Late today, the star-studded, digitally furred first glimpse of conceptually bewildering film dropped. Directly on me. We all knew it would be a lot. I mean, it’s Taylor Swift and Jennifer Hudson somehow as cats singing on extra large furniture. We’re not exactly talking mumblecore here. But the two minutes and twenty-three seconds of trailer that we were given are, without hyperbole, some of the most deeply disturbing images ever put on screen. Midsommar could never. Hereditary found dead in a ditch.
I am at a loss for words beyond, “WHY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?”
Like, I know JHud sings that a new day has begun but—hear me out—what if the new day ended immediately? What if it was erased from my mind, Eternal Sunshine-style? What if I changed my name, moved to a deserted island, shed all my belongings, and spent the rest of my years trying, desperately, to forget?
By 90 seconds into the trailer I had already texted my psychiatrist and told her I needed to schedule an emergency session despite her strict “No screaming about movie trailers” rule. Whatever, Dr. Tuttle, just charge me extra.
How do I feel about the Cats trailer? How do you think I feel? Betrayed. Bewildered. I am trying to process. Dr. Tuttle says that I will experience the five stages of grief as I let go of my former life before I saw the Cats trailer. Let’s go through them together.
Denial
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Okay, absolutely not.
There is not a movie named Cats. The cats in the movie named Cats do not have some fur but also fur-colored skin and also fingers and breasts maybe?? Nope. That is not a thing that is happening in this world.
The cats look like the alien that Joaquin Phoenix sees in Signs and therefore this is something that I just dreamt and not something that is happening in any way shape or form.
I mean let’s be real: this is not a creature that I my brain can make any sense of.
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Is this Stitch from Lilo and Stitch? Is this Panic! At the Disco? Nope. It’s not a thing. This isn’t happening!
Anger
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Serious question: where is the rest of Jennifer Hudson’s head? Sis is going to win a second Oscar with part of her head digitally missing and I am furious! I am so furious I refuse to even make the obvious pun here. I WILL NOT.
James Corden, who I believe is playing The Penguin from Batman Returns spits on another cat and we’re supposed to just roll with it. NOT ON MY WATCH.
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ALSO! Idris Elba looks SEXY AS HELL and I am MAD about it in a way that is very confusing to me. Sexually!
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Some cats wear coats and hats and some cats are naked and I want to throw a chair about this whole thing.
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Bargaining
How can we make this right? If I stop holding a grudge about Russell Crowe’s speak-singing in Les Mis, will Tom Hopper bury this trailer in the backyard like Carly Rae Jespen’s disco album?
What if I go see Cats on stage. And wait at the stage door for autographs? Will that help?
Should I buy a cat?! DOES THE CAT WANT TO PLAY WITH A GIANT BRA? WILL THAT APPEASE IT?
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Question: where are all the humans? Have the humans become cats? Is this the nature of the curse?
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HOW CAN I REVERSE THE CURSE?
Depression
Taylor Swift is holding a bedazzled urn of catnip and that would normally send me into fits of camp ecstasy. But like Morales in A Chorus Line, I feel nothing.
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WAIT. She’s wearing character shoes also! The cat is wearing characters shoes! Like she’s auditioning to play Shelia in A Chorus Line. WHY? I am broken.
Acceptance
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I’m going to see this movie literally 100 times.