The Fake News media needs to stop spreading these lies that Donald Trump has never seen a dog before and has no idea what a dog is. Donald Trump is President of the United States and those states include many dogs so, yes, he does know what a dog is and to prove all of the haters and losers wrong he will explain it to you in great, befuddling detail for far longer than is necessary. Such was the case today when Trump spoke extemporaneously about Conan, the hero dog, outside of the White House.

Conan, a Belgian Malinois that was, presumably, naturalized at some point before joining the U.S. Army Delta Force, was part of the team that tracked down ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Conan was injured during the raid and subsequently was given a medal and a plaque by the president, who, may I remind you, definitely knows what a dog is and how they work and will gladly explain it to you.

The first Dog Fact of which the president is aware and would like you to be similarly aware: Conan, the dog, totally knows that he is at the White House receiving special distinction from the greatest president that ever lived. “We just gave Conan a medal and a plaque,” Trump said, searching his mind palace for more trivia to share, “and it’s really, uh, and I actually think Conan knew exactly what was going on.” Important to note here: Conan, the dog, wasn’t vaguely aware of what was going on. Conan didn’t get the gist. Conan wasn’t bcc’d on the agenda for the day. Conan knew exactly what was going on. Conan looked Donald Trump straight in the eyes and said, “Sir, I voted for you three years ago and I will vote for you again.”

Dancing with the Stars loser Rick Perry recently said that Trump was chosen by God, but it seems the truth is even greater: Trump was chosen by dog. This dog. Conan, who is aware of what a White House is and what a plaque is and how the electoral college works.

But there are so many more Dog Facts that Trump wants to share with us! He continued to talk for a moment, and then invited someone else to give more details like “the type of dog…” but then no one spoke and everyone stood in silence for a while. Dog Fact: Canines are very into mindfulness and do not feel the need to fill conversational space with small talk.

Trump, however? Well, that’s a different story. The President broke the silence by telling reporters that “they” wanted to put a muzzle on Conan, hero dog, and that Trump thought that was a good idea. “WTF?” said Conan. Trump explained his rationale behind putting the kibosh on the muzzle by informing the press that a muzzle would just make Conan more violent. Seems like a defective muzzle. But what do I know? Dog Fact: They are all Hannibal Lecter.

The president, still speaking, went on to describe Conan as the “ultimate fighter… the ultimate everything… the ultimate in terms of… uh sniffing drugs!” he said, pulling the words “sniffing drugs” right out of the thin, crisp D.C. air. How does the dog do the sniffing drugs, you may ask. Well, you’re in luck: The president will tell you.

“We spent a tremendous amount of money on drug equipment at the border. And I was talking to the people and I said, ‘Is there anything better than this equipment?’ ‘No sir. The only thing better is a dog. A dog. This type of dog exactly. Because it’s a certain type of dog.'”

Okay. This is ruff. Let’s paws for some reflection. I think the specificity is really what carries this story, wouldn’t you say? I was a little unclear about what was going on, however, so I asked my dog, Scooby-Don’t, to help me out.

Scooby-Don’t: So at the border—
Me: Do you think he knows which border?
SD: Unclear. There is drug equipment.
Me: Do you think he knows what equipment he’s talking about?
SD: Nope. And the people at the border—
Me: Do you think he’s met the people he’s telling a story about talking to?
SD: Also unclear. They say that the only thing better than the equipment is this type of dog. And before you ask, no, he does not know what type of dog that is. Now can you please stop asking questions; I have a very busy afternoon planned intermittently barking at my pen-pal dog through the wall.

Trump concluded his brief but comprehensive lesson on dogs, what they are, how they exist, etc., by telling a story about a dog—maybe this dog, maybe a different dog!—that found drugs in a car that were undetectable to machines. “The dog came in—WAH!—jumped on the hood, pointing, you know. It opened the hood and knew exactly… it’s incredible. The sense of smell. Or whatever it may be. Probably sense of smell.”

One final question: If not sense of smell (probable but not definite), what other things might Donald Trump think alerted the dog to the drugs in the car?

• Psychic. The dog is psychic.
• Just very smart.
• Sense of taste. Unclear how this works. Maybe dog licked the hood first. Drugs on hood. WAH! You know.
• Collusion with drugs dealers. Bad deal. Very concerning.
• Aliens?
• None of this is real. Dog took the red pill.
• Did we say psychic? Let’s look into that.
• Hunter Biden told him.

So, there you have it. That is a dog and that is what a dog does and you know it is true because the President said so and he is very familiar with dogs and all of their dog exploits so please no further questions at this time. Thank you.

Dog Fact: The dog opened the hood???

R. Eric Thomas
R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column “Eric Reads the News,” which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.